The purpose of this Reddit post here is to have it translated into various languages.
freethatiam
Sharing about SCJ after coming out with family / friends / partners?
Firstly, thank you for this community. I find so much value in reading others’ experiences and exit stories.
The challenge I’m facing is whether to share my SCJ experience with people I meet or not. If so, how to go about it. I’d appreciate any advice, insight, or help from others who’ve thought about this or have experience to share.
Brief background:
I spent 9 years in SCJ, mostly as a full-time worker and head of the culture department. I cut off all my friends and family, didn’t date anyone, and ended up in a forced arranged marriage to a member during the last two years before leaving. After realizing SCJ is a destructive high-control group (cult), I also saw that the marriage came about through manipulative and deceptive methods. I ended the relationship.
In my experience of sharing, which has been roughly a year, the responses have mostly been negative. I don’t blame them—it’s a lot to take on, complex, and involves dark psychology. At first, I told everyone I encountered, from family to strangers at bars or events. I shared my experience with close to fifty people face-to-face, each offering responses and questions that helped me process it. I was desperate for help and support. Yet, the responses often made me feel misunderstood, judged, ridiculed, and added to the trauma. This was before I found the SCJ Reddit community.
Since leaving SCJ, I dated two girls. When I felt I should share my past cult experience, they both responded negatively and ended the relationship.
I concluded that my past (9 years) is best kept to myself, the Reddit SCJ community, other ex-members, and my therapist. The average person can’t fathom the concept of a cult and isn’t equipped to handle or accept this part of me and the traumas surrounding it.
I’m still trying to figure out if this is the best approach and thought to ask for others’ thoughts and approaches.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post 🙂
Comments Section
Ok-Educator-2003
I was in SCJ for 7 years and had quite a few leadership roles. It was my life, and I gave my entire 20s away. I initially shared it with my family when I left. They ended up talking badly about me behind my back, so I never told another soul. I only started talking about it here this week, five years after leaving SCJ. I wish you the best of luck post-SCJ.
freethatiam
7 years is a long time, and my heart goes out to you. I’m sorry you were manipulated into giving your entire 20s away. That’s their prime target age—youthful and full of energy. I’m also sorry to hear your family spoke badly about you. It’s sad and triggering, similar to how SCJ talks behind its members’ backs. Thank you, and I wish you all the best in your recovery journey post-SCJ. I’m glad you’ve found this Reddit community to share your story with others who understand. It’s not easy carrying all that trauma without an outlet.
No_Consequence2658
You’re absolutely right—most people can’t fathom the concept of being in a cult. They can’t relate, understand the internal conflict, or see the harm it’s done because it’s not a common experience. I’ve experienced what you’re describing. It’s heartbreaking—like going to war and coming home wanting comfort, love, and validation, only to be invalidated and made to feel like “you should have known” or that it was your fault. I’ve stopped sharing my experiences because most people don’t care to dig deeper or see beyond their own perspectives. Not all, but most. I really hope you heal. 🫂❤️
No-Mention369
Sadly, most people don’t care enough to process past trauma. In my own life, I’ve kept my sadness and trauma to myself. There will be loving and caring people who will understand and want to know the details—but save that for later when you feel you can share and when you’re important enough to them. I don’t tell most people about my family in SCJ—it’s too traumatic for me, and most people don’t understand why it’s so painful. I have close friends I’ve known for years who don’t know my “story.” You’re amazing for escaping after nearly a decade. I salute you!
Xenikovia
As a non-religious person who’s never been part of SCJ, I’m here because a friend is currently a member, and I wanted to better understand his mindset. I think it’s better not to divulge information about SCJ until you completely trust someone. Even then, there are many stereotypes and misconceptions about your experience, and the automatic response is to judge you as stupid or gullible. Your judgment will be questioned. Certain parts of your life don’t need to be shared with 99% of people. Good luck moving forward.
WillingAir8863
I’m sorry you’ve received such negative responses to your lived experiences. Not everyone will respond like this! Perhaps it’s time to protect yourself by being more conscientious about who you share with until you find understanding people. When forging new friendships, focus on building strong bonds and learning more about yourself. Each new connection is a step away from your past. The less you talk about your past, the more you can forge your new life outside SCJ. As ex-members, we’re starting over—re-inventing ourselves or reconnecting with old parts of our identities that SCJ erased. Creating a world for your post-cult identity is self-affirming and helps you start anew. While you should open up to therapists and ex-members, it’s okay if you’re not ready to share with new people yet.
Beautiful-Ability-69
Thanks for sharing. I’ve only recently started talking about my experience with people I trust—maybe a year now. I’ve shared minimal details, not everything. I harbored guilt and shame and blamed myself for the experience for a long time. I got a therapist to help sort out these feelings, and the more I talk about it, the lighter the load feels. I only share with people who have high emotional intelligence and whom I connect with emotionally because I know they care and won’t say anything crazy—or if they do, we can talk it through peacefully.
Undecided_333
I’ve been through many trials and traumas, and the responses you’re receiving are common with the average person. Victim blaming is a typical response when you speak out. It shatters the idea that if you’re a good person, bad things won’t happen to you. This is called the “positive assumptive worldview theory,” which posits that most people view the world as a positive place where adverse events don’t occur without reason. They distance themselves from the victim and the unpleasant occurrence to confirm their own invulnerability. It’s incredibly hard because part of healing is sharing and processing what happened, but we end up feeling further traumatized when rejected.
LopsidedAdvisor6945
Thanks for sharing! The experience is shocking to people who’ve never been involved in anything like this or even deeply religious. Even “Christians” I’ve shared my past with seem shocked and in disbelief. The main difference between “believers” and “non-believers” is that Christians offer love and support without judgment, while non-believers often say, “You didn’t have to stay.” I understand both sides. What really helped me were people who’d had the same experience and those who didn’t but listened with a true heart. They helped me see things from perspectives I’d never considered, allowing me to reflect and face unresolved issues like anger and resentment. It’s not easy, and it won’t be. Just keep doing you. Recovery is long and hard, but keep getting the help you need. Always be honest with yourself. As for a mate, she’ll come. Give it time. My spouse wanted to know my entire story, even if she didn’t understand. That’s when I knew she was the one. You’ve got support here. Chat me if you need to vent or talk. Take care of yourself, stay strong, and know it gets better with hard work. GB.